dyingdancer

so i gained some weight again. back to where i was before i started to lose. lame. very very lame. i also bought trimspa, but it seems as if ive been eating more since i bought it yesterday. its because whenever im around my roommates, i seem to eat more. it sounds terrible, but im kind of glad that theyre leaving for thanksgiving next week. that at least gives me a week to get myself used to eating less so that itll be easier to resist when they come home. the boy comes back on tuesday, but i dont think ill see him until the weekend because of the holiday, so that gives me a week to lose at least 3 pounds. plan for the week:
breakfast: fiber 1 bar: 130
lunch: turkey sandwich: 250
snack: yogurt:100
dinner: turkey sandwich: 250
total: 730
plus my 4-6 trimspa/day.
i need to lose some fucking weight.

so i didnt lose any weight over the weekend. that isnt terrible because A- i'm on my period and B-i binged like a starving crackwhore. so its ok.

my 'goal date' is my dance team's big performance show, which as of now is 25 days away (december 1). what i did was go through the calendar on my cell phone and put a countdown with a reminder alarm every day at 5:00, which is usually when my cravings start. so everyday at 5 ill get a friendly reminder that i have however many days to lose my gut, or risk going on stage looking like this. i have other performances throughout the semester, obviously, but im not as concerned about looking as fat as i do for those because i dont ever invite any of my friends to see those. but i try and get everyone and their mother to the charity show, so everyone and their mother will see me half naked and fat. not cool. im working on it.

another good day. ate according to plan, so im under 1000. im down 3 pounds. ran 3 miles. worked out. thing are going well. diet mountain dew is keeping me on track...just thought i should let yall know.

tomorrow is gonna be kind of tough though cause its my roommate's birthday, so im gonna be drinking. but i figure if i have only 3 shots- thats about 300 calories. i can substitute my 2 yogurts, so thats 200 calories..leaving me with only an extra 100 calories. we're going clubbing so that should burn that 100 off. it should be ok.

friday we're going to kanki for dinner. ill just stick to tuna tataki and that should be ok. i won't have my snacks and i won't drink on friday. saturday is her party, so i'm gonna have to watch my cals again all day, and limit myself to 3 shots again. i'll make it up on sunday cause i have 2.5 hours of dance. :>

did well again today. ran my 3 miles. worked out at work. ate according to plan. im just trying to stay awake now so that i can go and pick up the roommate from the airport at 1130.
im down a pound. hopefully the scale will keep inching in that direction.

i had a really good day today, which is awesome cause i really needed it. it started off kind of blah. but eating according to plan put me in a great mood. then i had a pretty good modern practice. did some work. colts were kicking some jaguar ass, which boosted my mood even more. then i had a kickass jazz practice. it started off not so well- i couldnt land a triple if my life depended on it. but by the end of practice, i was rocking it. i guess i just needed to get back in the mindset since i had to skip practice last week. i'm kind of excited to weigh in tomorrow morning. i wanted to weigh in after showering just now, but i figured i should keep it to only once daily.

plan for tomorrow:
breakfast: bagel and egg white: 200
lunch: bagel and turkey: 250
gym: run 30 mins, weight lift about 45
snack: yogurt 100
dinner: bagel and turkey: 250
snack: yogurt 100
total: 900 + a few crystal lights. should be under 1000. :>
i CAN get back to 123. only 12 pounds by december 1. that should be easy.

so of course, i had another terrible day. i was actually doing really well until my fatass roommate started stressing me out. she just talks and talks and talks, then plops herself on my floor and talks and talks some more. if you see a door is closed, wouldn't you think that the person inside wasnt in the mood to chat? she knocks, sees im trying to write my paper, and proceeds to blab about godknowswhat. yes, its nice to see her. i hadnt seen her all weekend. but a simple "hello" would have been perfect. and that set me off. and i ate.

im mad. im afraid to weigh in again tomorrow. i hate this. i hate me. i hate being so damn fat.

i've ballooned up to 135. disgusting. im depressed, so im eating. i get fatter, so i get more depressed. im just so worn out with school and work and family. i havent gone for a run in about 4 weeks. Yes, I dance 3x a week, but that's not enough for weight loss. I don't care about school anymore. i have to start making more time for me. i dont want to go to grad school anymore, so right now, it's just a matter of passing my classes. i dont have to kill myself for A's anymore, since it really doesnt make a difference.

my eating plan until ive lost 10 pounds:
breakfast: bagel + egg whites: 200
lunch: bagel + turkey: 225
pre-work snack: yogurt: 100
dinner: bagel + turkey: 225
nighttime snack: yogurt: 100
unlimited crystal light and diet mountain dew.
total: 850/day.
i have to run at 3 days/week. i dance 3 days/week. so that gives me one day as an off day.

i need to do this. i cant handle my weight anymore. im ashamed of how i look. im ashamed of how much im eating. im ashamed of how much money im spending on food. its gross. im gross. i need help.

so the scale says that ive gained 3 pounds. that fucking sucks. i didn't restrict this weekend, but i sure as hell didnt binge. and i run over 20 miles a week, you'd think that would count for something. that's bullshit. ugh! im so annoyed.

SOOOOOO..... haven't posted in a while. I've been doing ok. I've had some great days and some terrible days, but my weight hasn't moved. Considering how on/off I've been, that's a pretty good thing, cause it should have gone up. I've been running about 20 miles a week with the new 5k training plan i've been following. Yesterday was my long run- 5 miles. I'm running 5 days a week, with 2 off days when I usually either ride 10 miles on the bike or do something else at work. And I lift weights about 4 times a week, plus my ballet classes. Dance team starts up again at the end of August, which is awesome. I'm already starting to see a difference in my legs and abs. I'm really satisfied with how i'm starting to look, even if i'm not really sure how much i weigh.

Today is my 21st birthday! yay! Today is supposed to be a 1200 cal day (since its an off day from running), so with a small lunch and snack, that leaves me with 620 cals for dinner. If I go over a little bit, its ok, cause tomorrow is a 1500 cal day, so I can take a bit off from there. And if I have time, I can bike off an extra 200 cals at work, depending on whether any of my clients are biking for cardio today. It should be ok.

I'm just gonna have dinner today with the family. I'm going out with my friend Jason on Wednesday, then going to some bar with my this other guy on Thursday. Friday I'm going out with the roommates, and my cousins are coming on Saturday, so that'll be major partying. They grew up with me in Miami, so I KNOW they can help me make up for my lame sober summer. Then most of my friends are coming back into town next week for school. I can't wait! But, of course, this means that I have to really buckle down and lose this weight this week. I got the exercise down. The food is the hard part.

so plan for today:

breakfast: mini bagel (140) tbsp pb (100) glass of soymilk (100)
lunch: boost: 250
dinner: tv dinner: 350
bedtime snack: 100 cal popcorn or icecream
max totaL: 1050

by the way- greatest discovery ever. breyer's has 100 cal serving packs of the most delicious ice cream in the world. and its great cause im always afraid of buying ice cream. its my favorite so i always binge on it, but this is perfect. look for it, try it, love it.

im not sure where we're taking the fat camp today, but either way, i will definitely be running after work.

so hooray! for another terrible binge weekend, and i mean TERRIBLE. but i once again have new motivation. i was talking to a new boy today (i finally ended things with de'sean. should have done it in may) and randomly decided that i needed a vacation. i was just thinking aloud and said, 'i wonder how much a weekend cruise would cost?' and he said, 'i'm in.' so now i'm going on a cruise to the bahamas with this guy i just met in september. lol. but whats weird is that i dont feel weird about it at all. usually, im hesitant to even meet a new boy for coffee because im borderline paranoid about being kidnapped or raped or whatever else those horror stories tell about. but not with carlos. ive known him less than 3 weeks, and i feel like i've known him forever. it's so weird. today, for instance, we talked on the phone about 2 hours, then talked online for another while i looked up cruises, then i just got off the phone with him again, from another 2 hour conversation. and its like that everyday. we text back and forth while im at work, then talk for at least an hour every night. and i HATE the phone. i hate it. but i look forward to talking to him so much. ive never had a connection or a friendship like this before, and i love it. but i have to look amazing in my bikinis on that cruise. and since i know that ill be drinking it up, i have to be in the range where i can afford to gain a pound, so that i wont ruin the fun with food obsession.

im so excited about this cruise, too. about spending a whole 4 days with him. its gonna be amazing. ive NEVER wanted to spend this much time with anybody. ever. and im not even scared about it. i remember feeling weird about having enjoyed spending time with desean, which was one of the red flags that the relationship wasn't gonna work. but no weirdness here. just excitement. and i dont even feel weird that i dont feel weird. i just want it to be september already. lol. but i have at least 8 pounds to lose. itll be easy for a month and a half.

but no more binge weekends. ever. seriously.

i feel like shit. i have a really nasty cold and my body is killing me, so i won't be able to exercise for a few days. i probably wont be able to go to ballet tomorrow, either, which is killing me. :< and i still have to go to work today and tomorrow. and i cant get anyone to cover for me, cause my boss is out of town, so the other trainer is already covering for him. ugh. whatever. at least my appetite is shot.

so yesterday i did really well. hopefully i made up for some of the binge from tuesday night. i KNOW i stayed under 200 cals, i ran 2 miles after work (where i worked out ALOT), and i thought i was gonna pass out when i got home. my hands were shaking, the room was spinning, but i was ok. thank god that wasnt happening while i was driving. today is gonna be pretty good. i ran out of breakfast foods, and i dont eat dinner on thursdays cause i have to go to some classes after work and dont have time to work out, so ill im gonna have a boost for breakfast and one for lunch- so thats 500 today. we're taking some kids hiking today at work, so i MIGHT have to have snack with them if my first boost doesnt hold me over til the next one. but that's ok cause we just give them 100 cal packs. i really hope today was as good as yesterday.

i have to go to the doctor now for a check up, but im glad im going cause i kind of feel like im coming down with something.

i hope everyone has a great day :>

so i binged tonight. not TERRIBLE considering i dont have a lot of food in the apartment- i only buy exactly enough to eat for 1 week- if i eat more than that, then oh well. someone has to starve. so im out of breakfast food, so no breakfast or dinner tomorrow. i have a dr's appointment tomorrow, then i have to stop by and see my mom. hopefully she wont want to go out to dinner. i think i had about 2000 cals today total. eh. i shouldv'e gone to the gym after work, since i got off early. i trained from 9-7 today, until the other trainer said that i looked exhausted and should just head out, that she could handle the gym for the rest of the evening. and instead of going to work out like i usually do after work (since i work at a gym lol) i just went straight home. i was exhausted. and i ate. a lot. but ill make up for it tomorrow. im not working as much tomorrow- only 3-7ish, so ill have time/energy to work out for myself. its weird howi can spend the whole day forcing others to do exercise, and then at the end of the day, i just come home and veg. like i said, ill make up for it tomorrow. and i wont have dinner on thursday.

tomorrow: breakfast: diet mt. dew- lots of it
lunch: whatever my mom wants- probably sandwich: 300
"dinner": protein shake: 250
gym: at least 30 minutes running, 30 minutes weight lifting, 15 minute jog
bedtime snack: 2 tylenol pms (to knock me out so i wont even THINK of eating more) and popcorn- 100
total: 650. ill burn off at least 300 with the running, plus whatever i do running around at work. i love working at gym. i cant get over how hard my job rocks.

I LOST WEIGHT! i dont know how i did it, but i lost 2 pounds after last week's bingefest. i dont know how it happened, but i'll take the weight loss

i was hoping id wake up feeling better about things today, but im on my period and i don't think that too much will. i still feel lonely and bored. i wish the boy had more time for me. i don't see this lasting very long, but i just really don't want to be completely by myself. it sounds terrible, but i just want to hold on to him at least until all of my friends come back from summer vacations. because until then, i won't be going out at all unless SOMETHING gets into my roommates and they suddenly realize that the living room isn't the coolest place in the hill. i can't wait until july 19. 14 days. thurs july 19- after i get out of my court ordered alcohol classes (long story) my friend amanda is coming from tenn and we are getting dolled up and going out. getting shitfaced and getting boys- like we do. like we haven't done in over a month. friday two of my friends are coming from charlotte, so the 6 of us are going to a country concert (yea- i was able to convince the roommates to go to THAT...go figure) and then the 4 of us (me and the 3 out-of-towners..i doubt the roommates will want to go) are going to go out, get shitfaced once again. get in some trouble. have some fun. be young. not like my matronly roommates who pass up going out for tv marathons. and THEN that weekend im going to the emerald isle with a friend.

so why does all of this matter? well, ive been eating like its the end of the world for the past 2 days. and i can't have that. i need to be on my A game that weekend. i can't find someone to replace the boy if i'm not gonna be looking right. so here is my plan:
breakfast: bowl of cereal and soy milk- 250.
lunch: instant breakfast: 250
dinner: depends. on the days that i have to leave work early (like today) nothing, since lunch is usually around 430 or 5 anyway. ill just push it back to around 530 or 6 and call it a day. when i work a full day or go for my runs, i have lean cuisines, all about 300. and that's it. if i'm ABSOLUTELY STARVING at night and even the sleeping pills won't get me over the hunger pains, i have 100 cal packs of popcorn. and i never binge on popcorn, cause im not patient enough to let the bag finish popping. i need to be at 127 by july 19, and 125 by august 5. i know it sounds like slow weight loss, and i could probably be 127 in a week, but i'd rather take the high road and not be passing out at work. it's hard to do personal trianing when you're about to pass out. lol. not fun.

i'm doing so badly. ive eaten more than any human ever should the past two days because im so frustrated with my situation this summer- IM BORED SHITLESS!! my roommates NEVER want to go out- EVER. all the people i always go out with are home for the summer- the closest ones are 2 hours away. they're coming on july 20 and i cant wait, but what am i supposed to do until then? the guy i'm seeing works ALL THE TIME. i see him once a week. what am i supposed to do the other 6 nights? i get off work (at a gym) and go to the school gym to kill time, but they close at 9. and then im bored and alone. can't call the boy cause he's at work. the roommates are at work. and if they werent, they'd be watching tv. sarah is too lazy to go out, and kristi's boyfriend is a dick about her going out. i miss my party girls SO much. so im bored and alone and mad- so i eat. and somehow ive still lost weight, but i dont think ill keep being that lucky for very much longer. its all gonna catch up to me. i hate this so fucking much. i wish i could either see the boy more often, or find one who had more time for me. but its impossible to meet boys when i never leave the apartment, unless its to go to a movie. and i'm not about to start going to bars or clubs by myself. thats creepy and sketchy and just plain sad. i cant wait for summer to be over so my friends can come home to me. :

so i lost those 4 pounds that i'd gained. now i have to lose 8 more. i want to get there by my 21 birthday. that would be rad.

anyway, i just got back from the boy's house. i like him a lot and i hate it. i caught myself smiling as i left his place this morning and got mad at myself. why can't i just let myself fall for someone as great as he is? he LOVES my body and makes me feel sexy. nobody makes me feel better than he does. so why am i afraid of him? whatever. ill just have my fun for now...see what happens. lol

nobody pisses me off like my mother. i love her...but GODDAMN!!! GAH!!
125. 2 weeks. i'll be there. this is bullshit and im pissed, so im gonna piss her off.

So i gained 5 pounds in 1 week. I really hope that a lot of that is water weight, but it's my fault. i've been eating like crazy. completely out of control. i really hope that this week is much much better. i'm never going to get down to my weight if i keep yo-yo-ing like this. its crazy.

plan for today:
breakfast: cereal/soy milk: 200
snack: 100 cal pack
lunch: shake: 250
dinner: tv dinner: 300
total: 950

if i get off work early enough, i'm going for a quick run as well. this is not cool...at all.